One of my favourite stories is Alice in Wonderland, so that’s the theme for this week’s horoscopes. So which character goes with which sign?
Aries – The Mad Hatter. You look good in hats, and you’re fucking nuts. There you go.
Taurus – The March Hare. You’re not as crazy as Aries but…
Gemini – Alice. Yeah, my first thought was Tweedledee and Tweedledum, but Alice is actually the better choice since the Tweedles are pretty much the same person. One minute she’s tall, and the next she’s small. She is also super curious and talks too much.
Cancer – The Dormouse. Shhh…just sleep. Sing your songs. Spout your random bits of wisdom. Go back to sleep.
Leo – Humpty Dumpty. Your haughtiness is your downfall.
Virgo – The White Rabbit. It’s not like you to be so late, but it is like you to freak the fuck out if you are. Well, the rest of us would be freaked out, too, if our heads were on the line. Good luck with that.
Libra – The Caterpillar. Alice is frustrated trying to talk with you. Maybe she needs a puff of your hookah.
Scorpio – The Queen of Hearts. You have quite the temper and can rule with an iron fist. Also, your sense of style is quite fabulous even if it is a little monotone.
Sagittarius – The Cheshire Cat. Cryptic and mischievous. You like to speak in riddles to mess with people, but you do it with a smile. A very disturbing smile but a smile nonetheless.
Capricorn – The Duchess. You’re sort of surly. You can be kind of scary. Turns out you know what you are doing.
Aquarius – The Jabberwock. I’m going to let you figure that one out.
Pisces – The White Queen. You are the kinder, flakier ruler. Scorpio’s more compassionate counterpart.